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Friday, January 31, 2014

A letter to my 20 year old self...


My dearest 20 year old in the whole world,
You are 20 and you are considered hot by many boys. Fellow students in your college think you are a recluse because you are hardly there in the college and it pains you to see why these females do not like you. Your lecturers hardly know your face as you are either absent or sit quietly when you are present. Do not worry they will know you when the final results come and wonder who this girl is with highest marks.

You have a notion my darling that you are more comfortable with male friends than female friends. This notion comes from the base of patriarchy which encourages us to shun the company of women and embrace the company of men. Please think about this. The girl you like now as a classmate will be there in your life as a friend to count on forever. The boys who made you feel like they are your best friends are hardly there now. The happiness you feel sitting in the University canteen with your theatre group members (young men) is not just because they are your friends alone, you are enjoying being out  in  the  open - drinking  many cups of Tea, discussing poems, sharing your opinions as an adult and for being respected for that. You feel empowered and you do  not  have the feminist vocabulary of it  yet.

You feel drawn towards a man who is older than you and somehow feel like you need your parents and siblings to know this as well as endorse it. This also comes from the base of patriarchy my dearest. I ask you to explore who he is as a person more than worry about endorsements which might eventually lead to marriage. It is fine if he touches you with your consent but if (or should I say when) he touches when you do not want it, please slap him. You should not feel ashamed because it is what patriarchy tells you to. I can assure you that you will spread your wings wide and fly high.

You are experimenting with writing poems and secretly maintaining a notebook. Go ahead and fill it. Show it to friends and family. Do not feel shy when some are showcases of physical awakening of desire. It is natural and you need not feel shy as it comes from patriarchy too.

You are a young woman now and your experiences shape me. Take care of me for you my darling.

7 comments:

Unknown said...

You took me back to two decades! Thank you! Reading this piece was like reading it yesterday, when we would sit on those stone hard benches of our college and talk off about everything under the dun, including men and sex, our society and it's view of the above mentioned two subjects.

Unknown said...

'Sun'

Arpita said...

Love! :)

Aparna Kalley said...

Tanuja how can I forget us co authoring Hindu religion is for homosexuality and quoting Ayyappa as the symbol of that :) I can still remember Renu madam coming and handing it back looking amused :) Thanks for being there girl

Aparna Kalley said...

Arpita: Thank you dear :)

Chin said...

Brilliant. I think your twenty year old self shaped you fine! I didn't know that self but know you and you turned out most awesome :-)

Aparna Kalley said...

Chinmalli - love you girl :)