I remember crying in the lab for a day and then coaxed by the flower woman to examine what is happening to me and what are my authority issues and went through a moment of eureka! I found it. I thought realisation of our pattern itself is enough to change it. But as the saying goes, a good beginning is half the work done, I only began that day and I am yet to finish working on the rest.
Being the fourth and last child has its own advantages and disadvantages. Since advantages become disadvantages some times I feel its a mixed bag of mints of different flavour. If I am lucky I will get rose flavoured mint or a mango flavoured one if not it might be garlic or dog shit or horse breath.
I am a pampered one and I am loved by my family and in no way I am hinting at a traumatic dramatic incident or any such thing.
What happens is when I am with my siblings, I take or am given the position of a child while he/she will be the adult. This does not happen by a conscious design. May be I push them as well to be the adults and put myself as a child.
So I end up either meekly agreeing or rebelling in my own ways. This is a lose lose situation. My rebellion is also honed to hurt the Achilles heel of each one of them. Who does this unless they are child like?
Because of this, I kept score and whined constantly in front of my partner and the constant sentences were 'nobody asks me how am I or nobody is interested in my life or no one asks for my opinion, do they know me at all?'
I need my brothers and sister to acknowledge me, approve of me and pat me on my back and be proud of me. Isn’t this very childish?
I have experienced equal footing with all of them at one or the other time. Much more with one at particular times. And I know none of this is intentional.
I need my inner child which is forever banished from going up stairs to be with the adult siblings to grow up. May be writing this helps the child to climb the ladder and see the forbidden kingdom and then jump ahead to adulthood.
Otherwise the horcrux of my childhood anguish would forever be alive.
5 comments:
I will come down the stairs to meet you and lets take a bicycle ride in the evening..
You coming up the stairs to the attic has been attempted for last two decades. I dont think it will work..
I think one cannot be included by changing the history, but surely by co creating a new one...
Lets do it..
realization of the pattern is quarter not half...seeing how the pattern itself is 'you' is half... ...dissociating from the pattern is three quarters...breaking the pattern is full...
we are conditioned (learned) beings...whenever we get de-conditioned (unlearn) we renew ourselves...we are healed...you call it education,enlightenment, nirvana, salvation,meditation,yoga,zen or whatever...it is all the same...releasing the energy entangled in the pattern...but once you disentangle it...time sets the pattern again...anyway it can be said that you moved a bit...whenever you moved...you lived (without pattern)...you (your pattern) died...you lived again...it goes like this...it is also called living 'moment to moment'...renewed, healed...hurts are built into the frame of any pattern...unless hurts are healed, patterns can't be broken...it means we are carrying the past with us and are not living in the moment...hurts can't be healed in isolation...you have to heal me and i have to heal you...set each other free from our past...hope i made some sense here...being born into the hurtful world is the burden every one carries...it is not specific to the last one of four siblings...
Hari, thanks kano and annayya I tried to heal hurts with each and some times it ends up as an exercise of accumulating more hurts ..I know I need to live in this moment and here and now and word is not the thing but word becomes something some times! so be patient
I think I know how that feels.
Being thee youngest in my family has forced me to be a child often.
But now, since I have lived away from home, that equation changed a little. Obviously not entirely. But its the beginning.
I still look up to them for their encouragement and support.. :) But I hope soon I will be seen as an equal :)
Keep writing!
Love,
Nidhi
word becomes the thing when it really mirrors something...without a true relationship,mere communication ends up being the continuation of what already is...urgency should also be yours...not only mine ;)
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