Whether I call myself feminist, atheist, leftist or whateverist, I make up my own fairy tales as I go along. There are time tested fables I have run successfully in my life and various roles I played based on many imaginary and mythical ones. At one end, there is the burden of patriarchal guilt. I wanted to be good at my work front as well as win brownie points for home maintenance or 'taking care' of The husband, at another end there is the feminist guilt for having the patriarchal guilt and so on..
Somehow one fine day unexpected shit happens in the fables and fairy tales I have kept on running and I sit in a corner in denial for some days, I rant and rave for some days, I just lost the capacity to weave a new fairy tale for future just like that. As if someone did some black magic or did some voodoo. This temporary loss in spinning my life tale is how I think of my depression and panic disorder.
Some of the reactions of people who heard I am depressed and recovering slowly has indicated how people perceived me and how according to my approved standard of behaviour it is, based on the fabled character I think I was. I have been so freakingly nicely behaved in life for so long, banishing every so called negative thought or emotion for so long, I did not have appreciation for anger, irritation, sadness, being off mood, lethargy, jealousy, pettiness or sheer rage. They were all put under the 'bad to have' label.
I am not intending to say that by being depressed I have become enlightened about THE TRUTHS of life and now I am a saint. Far from it, I am articulating my opinions without disclaimers or trying to push it all to the relativity realm and say ' at this moment I feel like this’. No I am thinking like this right now and I am sharing it with whoever that reads this blog what I am thinking.
There are brighter days when I want to get in touch with my friends and family members and there are days I won’t even smile back.
I am thinking of blogging away what I think and feel till I break free. I cannot promise that I will do it every day as that seems very tiring to even think. But I will do as the motivation builds up.
I have seen a good Psychiatrist and I am taking medication. As comments, I do not need suggestions about how to get out of depression unless you were depressed and got out.
5 comments:
Loved reading it. Go on. I am looking forward.
I felt it slightly strange to imagine you in a patriarchal mould. Since childhood, you have been physically strong, dominanat, friendly, intimate,caring, looking up to me for many things, dependent and assertive. Probably it is my fable about you.How much we are caught in what we think others are! Your reality is diverse, I am getting in touch with that.
I started wondering, this 'patriarchal guilt' and 'feminist guilt about patriarchal guilt' (beautifuly put!) is not just for women alone, I started connecting with it.
I appreciate you taking the courage to talk about "depression".I think there is an assumption made that people will flood you with suggestions to overcome depression. When you say no suggestions unless I have gone through it, does it mean i can suggest only if I am clinically approved 'depresser' or does it apply to people who have gone through lows and grapple with them?
Thanks for showing me your fable of me kano :) it touched me immensely. When I said do not suggest unless you were depressed and got out, I am being defensive I think. You are right. You can share from your lows and what helped of course. Some how 'depression' starts to become an identity of its own and 'plain and ordinary lows' seem incomparable and this makes me a depression snob. Interesting ... I am examining it kano. Keep reading :)
Dear Paru,
Thanks for the encouragement kane :) I am getting in touch with so many things as well and feel like I am making myself from start.. I know you are there for me always :) Keep reading
you say you have depression and don't say why do you get into it...
what and why are better words to look at...you seem to believe that good psychiatrist who makes you comfortable and allows you to describe and prescribes drugs is the answer...it is only a treatment at one level...i am not suggesting you psycho analysis...i am neither denying the role of family,sibling, tradition and society in making a being and it's struggle for it's own well being...
Dear Annayya, the why and what is what prompted my writing, I am scratching the surface and hoping to move deeper.. give me more credit than to say that I am wishing away whatever by taking pills!
This is a process and people around me - family and friends can either be part of it or show empathy towards my exploration or be whatever they choose to be .. I am not seeking judgements about the process right now but patience to let me unfold - as I have taken the risk to expose myself like this - be the stone thrower or just watch and wonder or be in the frame. Choice is yours :)
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