Searching for Sylvia I found Shiva

Bell jar seems poetic
beautiful and symbolic
of a woman in turmoil
I thought ....

Looked at many and
they all seemed
Phallic

searching for one symbol
I found another!
Bell jar forever is changed
for me!

'self' arangetram

Society has a responsible role to play in the life of children. Family is the primary unit of socialisation. Though this looks like the starting lines of Sociology for dummies, I started thinking about what shapes us or the I in me? Who am I? At various life stages I have answered that question with greater clarity. Some of the answers include, 'I am a feminist, I am a dynamic and creative young woman, I am this or I am that'.
I had identity crisis as a teenager and post that I carefully shaped my self image or let others suggest and took it to shape what I call who I am. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it or the approach.

Some times our life experiences become the pegs that go deeper into the earth and the rope which is tied to it will drag us close to the peg, may be we will be sitting or standing or straining just out of that hole. With a proud grin or a sad stoic stare about who we are and the reason being the peg deep in the earth.

For major part of my professional life, I stood next to the pit of my current life experience and showed that as 'me'. Some times I hoisted a flag there to make everyone look at it and some times I decorated the pit walls with squiggles equating the significance to early human cave paintings.

I was thinking about what depression does to me and I thought if I ask myself who am I? The answer would be ' I am a woman with depression and panic disorder and I am on the road to recovery'.
When I thought the above thought, it struck me that I have this pattern of sitting next to my life experience pit and calling it me.

I am examining it right now and one thing I can say right now is, I am not my depression, I am not just the social roles I play, I am not what you think I am and I am not what I think I am from time to time as well. I will eventually understand the many facets of who I am I think and it is ok if it keeps changing, expanding or shrinking or whatever. It is a good start when I know who I am not and the list of that is enormous so whew...

Ya to go back to family and society shaping us, I think children's personality is malleable, ductile, elastic and gooey. Adults leave impressions on the minds of children like dog leaves its paws on wet cement. People say 'you are like that person', 'her this reminds me of that', 'you are afraid of everything just like so and so', 'she sings well but cant dance', etc. Extracetera through out the years and it does not stop till I don’t know when. Many of these fall off eventually and some stick like the hardened dog paw on the cement. These are suggestions promptly accepted by the self without examining.

I did not question this or confront anybody about this, but secretly this anguish of the secret me gave shape to a fantasy me – inwardly crying Meenakumari who is not understood. Meena kumari is my symbol because she is stunning while she is in anguish. Her lustrous long hair floating on her shoulder, her kohled eyes intense, her face glowing in the intensity of the pain she feels. Her gasps or sighs are melodious. (and of course from black and white film era).

Some times there is silent but potent pressure from people (who do not even realise they are doing it) on me to be different, be bubbly, to make me understand that I am strong, I am creative and I am loved, I am lucky and I am da da da and di di di di. May be I put similar pressure without my knowledge on others and may be this is how civilizations progress!

OK that’s it for today. Feel like I am rambling.

Aphrodite becomes mortal

Whether I call myself feminist, atheist, leftist or whateverist, I make up my own fairy tales as I go along. There are time tested fables I have run successfully in my life and various roles I played based on many imaginary and mythical ones. At one end, there is the burden of patriarchal guilt. I wanted to be good at my work front as well as win brownie points for home maintenance or 'taking care' of The husband, at another end there is the feminist guilt for having the patriarchal guilt and so on..

Somehow one fine day unexpected shit happens in the fables and fairy tales I have kept on running and I sit in a corner in denial for some days, I rant and rave for some days, I just lost the capacity to weave a new fairy tale for future just like that. As if someone did some black magic or did some voodoo. This temporary loss in spinning my life tale is how I think of my depression and panic disorder.

Some of the reactions of people who heard I am depressed and recovering slowly has indicated how people perceived me and how according to my approved standard of behaviour it is, based on the fabled character I think I was. I have been so freakingly nicely behaved in life for so long, banishing every so called negative thought or emotion for so long, I did not have appreciation for anger, irritation, sadness, being off mood, lethargy, jealousy, pettiness or sheer rage. They were all put under the 'bad to have' label.

I am not intending to say that by being depressed I have become enlightened about THE TRUTHS of life and now I am a saint. Far from it, I am articulating my opinions without disclaimers or trying to push it all to the relativity realm and say ' at this moment I feel like this’. No I am thinking like this right now and I am sharing it with whoever that reads this blog what I am thinking.

There are brighter days when I want to get in touch with my friends and family members and there are days I won’t even smile back.

I am thinking of blogging away what I think and feel till I break free. I cannot promise that I will do it every day as that seems very tiring to even think. But I will do as the motivation builds up.

I have seen a good Psychiatrist and I am taking medication. As comments, I do not need suggestions about how to get out of depression unless you were depressed and got out.

Depressed after being oppressed too long and repressing the emotions

I am right now emerging out of the blues of depression which had taken a strong hold on me since couple of months. I read some where that depression is nothing but anger spread very thin .. In my case many justified reasons to be angry at one hand and denial of my longing to set things straight to the known rhythm of 7 years at the other.

Now in retrospect I feel I can forgive people for what they did unto me because in a way they did this unto themselves (not a very christian thought when put like that I know).

Things look bright again and there are many small little big things I look forward to right now...
everyday joyous greeting of a frenzied puppy - chinnu the 4, she is demented and loves me that way too – a bite here and a spray of piss there and licks which land any where

talking and playing best of 7 with amma during the post lunch lull and listening to her reminiscing about people and places and sometimes I get to hear some long buried secrets as well

my neice Bhuvi messaging me and calling me on her current interest – running commentary of what chinnu is up to – I love this connection with her and by the way I heard she told her mom and dad that 'Aparna atthe is cooool' – dude what more do I need to gloat about and glow about?

The fun banter begins again with annayya – we are no longer two intense sulky and surly individuals and may be it indicates that both of us are resurfacing to our true selves and I love that feeling

waking up to a good mood is a blessing and venky makes it better with his unconditional taking care (I have not cooked a single meal in months and only recently I am paying attention to home maintenance)

The trip to Bangalore to be with my brother, sister in law and neice – looking forward to this a lot. I feel totally heard and understood in this place.

Our (Venky and me) three day mini vacation this month where when and how not planned yet

a surprise visit to Hospet to see our dear friends there this month some time
of course tonight – catching up and giggling with tikky

Hope is eternal and here is hope to stay as it should be :)

Mood swings forth and back….

I am thinking these days about my moods and the moods of other people who are around me. Some times I feel like Sylvia Plath with an invisible bell jar over my head. This bubble keeps my thoughts in and distorts the thoughts which are shared by others.

I wonder why sometimes it feels so nice to stay miserable and wallow in self pity (self hate under the cloak may be!) when all I have to do to break it is take a walk or listen to music or cook a nice meal or curl up with ever readable bed side bibles (fried green tomatoes, Bridget Jones diary, Silhoutte romance, peoples magazine or whatever).

There is an invisible thread between people and we call it ‘connection’ or we call it relationship. Mine seems to have broken with many around me. There is a stop gap cork fitting activity called ‘get together to have drinks and dinner with conversation and music’ but it stops after that.

I am in search of my threads which connect me to the wider web of lovely people whose moods are not a swinging.