King of the scorpions - Happy birthday

Happy birthday my dearest annayya - may this year be fantastic and whatever you want it to be :)

I will list things that come to my mind randomly from time to time when I think of you, (some of them are secrets too)

1. I have to see you once in 4-5 days if I am in Mysore. I know when I see you we always are in JK moments – either admiring a dog or a post or a film or something. If I dont do this then I start missing you terribly

2. I like listening to you when you have femme fatal situations and love your analysis of them. I love the sharing space we have

3. Grudgingly I admit that you know which sore spot to hit to make me a raging lunatic but the saving grace is I know yours too heh heh

4. I love the parrot talks and you are very adorable when that happens

5. You are very shy and bashful and dont take compliments well at all

6. Recently I was talking to a teenager and telling her about developing articulation as a skill, I have some because of you. Bird watching, star gazing, butterfly identification, greek mythologies,poetry, films, books, authors, poets and scores of others introduced by you. I can never forget the listening exercises (I was asked to write verbatim what we spoke after we spoke remember?)

7. I know I disappoint you by not sharing the same interests from time to time and I cant help it sometimes. I miss you when you are focused on something intensely and dont pay attention to me or whats up with me as well.

8. Your acknowledgement of what I do matters hell a lot to me

9. I am amazed at your skill to argue emphatically standing from different sides of an issue

10. You do not listen much to me when we are with others but do when you and I are alone. May be that is true for me as well sometimes

11. When you are happy you are wonderful and fun to be around

12. Some times quick to lose temper but always ready to explain why


Though you are king of exaggerated mockery some times, you are also the king of analysis, king of intense focus, king of curds, king of photoshop, king of torrents, king of innovative play activities for chinnu and so on .... making you the king of November – the scorpion king as christened by your fellow November fans. Thanks for being born before me :)

Memory remains ...

I heard his voice .......
Remembered huddling in bed
for hours talking, fighting and silent
Remembered that we used to
take walks and I shared aloud
what I thought of the young sun or green grass
his friend or something other
Joyous mornings they were

Remembered sitting on the cycle front
with him pedalling it
reaching our secret spot
known only to him and me

Remembered the spontaneous merry making
the protective hand on my shoulder while we crossed the road
the long letters during his absence
the promises we made without saying a word

Remembered him in my night gown
in my new dresses with a goofy smile

remembered them yet again!

Polarity unleashed

Goethe, Graham Greene, Mark twain, Edgar Allan poe, Virginia Woolf, Eliot, Hugo, Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson, Tennyson, Walt Whitman, Sylvia plath….

Handel and Beethoven

Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill

Vivien Leigh, Marilyn Monroe, Linda Hamilton …

Tim Burton, Coppola, Mel Gibson, Van Damme, Jim carey, Ben Stiller, Robert Downey Junior, Richard Dreyfuss, Robin Williams …

Ted Turner
Vincent Van Gogh
Florence Nightingale …

What is common to all these people?

Did you say these guys are famous? Yes that is obvious so that of course is not the expected answer. Then what else?

Guess what, they all suffer/ed Bipolar disorder.

What is bipolar disorder then? Is it a disorder which makes people famous and successful in various arenas? One might ask this question after looking at above list of people with luminous careers. If the answer was yes to that then ‘I want to be bipolar’ would be on many people’s wish list and we would call it ‘Bipolar the higher order’. There are research studies which have explored the phenomenon of extra ordinary genius associated with bipolar. There is no conclusive evidence as to the order of the occurrence – meaning – whether bipolar people are more creative because of bipolar or whether more creative people tend to become bipolar!

Though it seems glamorous after being associated with the who and who of all spheres, Bipolar is not a glamorous disorder.

According to one definition given by a doctor we know, Bipolar disorder is getting stuck for a longer period of time in one sort of mood (either in the pole of aggression or in the pole of depression) and then move from there gradually to get stuck in the opposite pole, then move from there gradually to get stuck in the first pole then move from there gradually … you get the idea? This journey looks like a wave. Up and down, up and down, up and down…

I have a heroic fellow in my family who rode these waves for long and then crashed into the hospital and now is in the process of mastering the wave. I want to tell him what I feel about him now.


Dear fellow,

• Though I do not understand many times what you are feeling and thinking, I am with you no matter what.
• I react based on my previous images and I hurt you unknowingly because I do not know how to freely communicate my fears with you. Forgive me for this. I am becoming more aware about this and I will definitely change as the time goes
• I know for a fact that you are talented, creative, inquisitive, diligent and a thinker who always thinks beyond the box and I want you to remember that always.
• I am there as a support whenever you need me. Let us be communicative over mails, phones, walks and talks and not stick to one type of reaching out. Let us go for dinner during the first week of the month. Just you and me. Is it a deal?
• I am going through lots of stuff these days, being the solo coordinator, managing my anxiety, being aware of and getting out of my addictions, being there for venky when he is in transition and taking charge of my life. Please consider these if at all you feel that I am not attentive to you. I do not mean it and I want to be there. At this juncture, I can not handle surprises and need a holler before that.
• I love you and as I wanted always to be your ‘Flag’ I want you to be my ‘Eagle’ and soar high with majesty and brilliance.

Dear readers, I am pasting the famous tips shared by famous people who are managing their Bipolarity. In case you want to share this with people you know who need it. There is a word of caution as this is shared by people who manage their disorder, this need not be a scientific guide but please look at this more like sharing.

Tip 1: Take charge of your treatment plan. Be in tune with the doctor.

Tip 2: Know your triggers and warning signs
a. For knowing your triggers please reflect and keep a mood journal
b. Warnings- Financial troubles, work – keeping one or getting one, relationships status – fluctuation between like and dislike and sleep status – lack of it shows a movement towards aggression, more of it is towards depression.
Tip 3: Have an emergency action plan – Discuss with your family about when you think they should hospitalize you. This will lessen the trauma the family feels during episodes and this gives more scope for immediate medical attention for you.

Tip 4: Develop an active daily routine – structuring the day helps in observing, managing and monitoring the moods better and exercise reduces the stress levels.

Tip 5: For sleep schedule – No caffeine after lunch and no alcohol in the night. These prevent from sleeping.

Tip 6: Warning signs of relapse – Depression related
a. I no longer want to be around people
b. I crave chocolate/alcohol/any other substance
c. Head aches
d. I think people bother me or annoy me
e. I need more naps during the day – I want to sleep more

Tip 7: Warning signs of relapse – Aggression related
a. I can do 5 things at once
b. I can not concentrate so well
c. I talk faster and more than usual
d. I feel irritable
e. I am hungry all the time
f. I need to move around because I have more energy than usual
g. I feel that ‘I do not need medicine’ any more

Most important thing is to know that bipolarity is never a chosen state.

Journey down the memory lane …

What is my very first memory of my big brother???

First memory:
We were in the house where I was born, this is the house where I dutifully took off all the clothes as soon as I was dressed and washed them under the tap! (not in my memory) This is where hari went to the owner’s house and demanded for coffee and this is where akka wore ‘Angora’ sweater. Annayya played a game of slow motion with me. May be I was 3. The game was, we will stand in opposite sides of our front yard, after 1,2,3 we will start saying a n n a y y a a a a a a and c h e l l e m m a a a and do the slow motion run towards each other. The game ends when I collide with him and he holds me up after hugging and kissing me. This memory glows in my mind always.

Second memory:
I think we were in this asbestos sheeted house and may be I was 3 or 4. This was the house where mom and dad made us sleep on the cot and sat with umbrellas in their hand through out the night if it rained…
This is the house where hari and me were obsessed with the song ‘Dapuliwale dapuli bajaaaa, mere gungharoo bulaaathe he aa, some thing something ….
This is the house where akka wrote the story of a grandmother on a slate. This granny traveled encountering what not before she reached the other side of the slate. Her long journey was measured in the chalk dots and a background sound effect by akka tuku, tuku, tuku tuku….

This is the house where annayya decided to teach me to write a,aa,e,ee – (Kannada alphabets), years before I joined School! He was ready and I was ready. I remember him writing 2 letters first, holding my hand and tracing it once or twice and then telling me to go on tracing till the letter became as thick as a Jilebi (I was not supposed to cheat by holding the chalk horizontally). After that he will teach 2 more letters. I remember tracing like mad and going to him every twenty minutes and he started giving 4 letters and then also I went back for more and lo I learnt the alphabets in 1 day!! I am sure this happened because he made me enjoy the learning process. May be the rewards were higher and may be I loved his attention. May be he demystified the ‘learning part’..

Third memory:
We are in this house which had five corners in one hall. My mother thought it was not a good thing (Ai moola kompa!). This is the house where hari and me were given a joint bath with instructions from Naana. He will be sitting on the chair opposite us and told, hari soap your legs properly, aparna face means entire face put more soap etc.
This is where akka had truckloads of friends who streamed in and out of our home in all the waking moments.

Hari and me had range of emotions towards annayya. We were in awe of his physical strength and his brilliance. He was our shining star.
- I waited in the same room when he exercised with pots full of water as weights and his exercise ended with my favourite ritual, he would say that I am his dumb bell and he would lift me up and roll me over his back and pull me up from under his legs. I remember shrieking with joy always.
- Hari and me would beg him to watch while he had his bath. We loved his performance (now I realize how much he tolerated us, always wanting to see him do stuff as if he is a Television set with various channels!!). He would soap his hair (yes, he had lush strait hair then) and tell us stories of monsters with two horns (he would shape 2 horns with his hair), Chinese traveler (with his hair slicked back), angry ram (with spring horns) and what not. After that the bath ended with him lifting a huge green plastic pot full of water and pouring it on his head!! We could not wait for tomorrow
- Hari and me used to sleep in the same bed with our own mosquito curtain. Hari the sweet and gentle soul warmed my bedsheet before I came to sleep by huddling in it (after me snatching his bedsheet saying mine is cold several times). We would sleep and wait for annayya to come to ‘our tent’. After annayya was ready for bed, he would come to our mosquito tent and start the signature music tana tana tan then announce ‘Now friends, you are listening to Navala shravanthi, today you will hear the story of Ivan’ tana tana tan. Then he would start telling us Tolstoy’s stories with great animation and we would be rapt and hang on every word he spoke. After the story ended, amidst our protest the programme ended and we were told to sleep and the door was closed. We would bask in the story and go to blissful sleep.

I think I can write a book about my brother if I have to say everything he has shaped in me. What seeds of thoughts he sowed, what types of imagination he nourished, what in the world he is to me.
Word is not the thing.