The grandiose of freedom

                  Freedom in comparison to something,

                   because of something

          from something

     to do something

                 not to do something

                            as a thought

                       as a feeling

                 as a notion

          as an action

            as a bestowment

                   as a dream

                       Here lie all the struggles

                          In these leashes and loops

No woman no cry

British India:

That night the household was a flutter with arrangements to furnish the room where the young daughter will lose her virginity. Some one gave the idea of a mirrored room with many lamps, many ran to fetch mirrors and lanterns from various houses, in turn making the entire community participate invisibly in the sexual act to be committed. Many middle aged men sighed in anticipation of the night putting themselves in the bridegroom's shoes.

Revathi was afraid and wistful and relatives joked around trying to lighten her mood as they mistook it for the fear and shyness of a virgin girl of seventeen years. When the hustle bustle of marriage preparations started months ago, she tried to feel the excitement as people told her that she was fortunate to get such a match, it is not everyday that a girl marries a Tehsildar who travels around in a horse with a big entourage at his beck and call. No one mentioned twice the fact that he was a 40 year old widower. 

She was gently shoved into the room full of mirrors and lamps at the appropriate hour. The man who is her husband now because of the ceremony was waiting impatiently. He drank the milk she brought and pushed her onto the bed to examine her more closely.

While the lamps did a devilish dance of light and shade making him look handsome at one point and menacing the other. Before any further action, a scream tore from the base of her stomach which pierced the night. She was stunned by the intensity of her scream. Her thoughts jarred the next moment as a huge hand slapped her hard.

As if in a trance she jumped, sprinted across the room and bolted out of the house in a flash. She ran till she came out of the village and walked till day break to reach the village next. She hid in a wagon which was un tethered from the bulls which were resting. She fell asleep though she willed herself not to.

(she was fetched from the village by her elders, her bridegroom was coaxed into consummating the marriage after the emissaries from her parent's side worked relentlessly for two more years. she gave birth to 4 children and became a widow early on. By then all the joyfulness in her was drained leaving her bitter and coarse)

Independent India:

Leela wondered whether female orgasm was a myth. She wanted to experience it once at least but her boyfriend believed in quick gun Murugan approach without much of foreplay. He fell asleep afterwards promptly as well. She finished on her own much later after his soft snores became steady. They had been lovers since a year. Clandestine meetings were exciting initially, now she was not so sure. She did not understand the hype created around sex as well. What next was the question she asked herself from time to time. Though Madhu was 'eligible' in every sense of the world, she was afraid to tell herself that he was not right for her. Unaware of her inner world, he thought that she enjoys sex as she  never  says no and her whimpering which is  due  to pain while making love sounded to him like appreciation of his manliness. 
Over cups of coffee or  over  pegs of whiskey with his friends, he discussed 'how the court should recognise marital rape is real and perpetrators should be punished'. (since parents got  a whiff of their affair, they were married combining  both their cultures, everyone involved feeling 'progressive' for doing so. Whimpering continued..)

My writing sliver - flickering as it starts again

Trying to  grab the  world and its meaning again. Not in a philosophical way but 'my world' which had quirky me,  sober me, creative me and so many more  mes'. Now this  sounds shallow after putting it like that. I remember Kung Fu Panda 3 - where Po mocks in frustration 'chi  chi chi chi, chi this and chi  that' or something to that effect. Now I  am sounding like  that 'me, me, me, me this and me that'.... 

I am floating in self absorption and it is ok to acknowledge it. I feel people are self absorbed but do not talk about it or acknowledge it, Like say for example, no  one  says, "I am not able to tolerate you right now because  I am self absorbed and your self absorbed line of thoughts are not what I  am happy to listen to" or "I love your self absorption so much, it makes me wanna share mine, can we  talk about it?" 

After arriving at this thought for the day, I  am  feeling exactly  like Po,

Stopping  my other chitty, chitty, chat, chat ...

How  cool is that ;)

 

What stilled or surged seeing Thelma and Louise take the leap ...

Two women who want one weekend away from their 'regular' lives decide to go on a road trip. For one, the regular life is being at home catering to her husband who sells products to other people by sweet talk and his sweetness turns vitriolic when he is with his wife. Ok she living in that life is her 'choice' one can argue but let us come to that choice later. The other woman is a waitress staying single though she wants an elusive boyfriend to be more than that. She waits for him and calls him a thousand times and clings on to the hope that he would come around. She is outspoken and appears tough. That life is her 'choice' too lets say. Ya ya we will come back to that choice in some time.

The roadtrip turns a nightmare and they end up being forced to choose whether they would like to be shot or imprisoned for life or fly into the grand canyon. They laugh and chose the thrid option.

After watching the glowing and glorious faces of Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis as they make that decision, it struck me that women are 'given' those choices which seem like Dante's various levels of inferno today as well.

- Choose to marry or any man can think you are available

- If married (good girl) then choose to have children or the society will look at you like you are a person with difficiencies or you do not want a child to interfere with your merry making ways

- Choose to not have alcohol or you can get raped, beaten or killed – because boys will be boys

- Choose to think of your career as second priority in comparison with your partner's career or you might end up alone and so on and so forth

None of these are new and many of them are 'cliches'. But try to stir out of one of them, then see how that works out. Choose whether you want to be a 'good woman' or we will hound you with labels and will get away with silencing you one way or the other...

No my friends that will not work with us all now. We do not want your choices and we do not want your veiled threats. We shall laugh our ways to glory come heaven or high water.

Tripping on Monsoon

It has started to rain in Bhopal and there are bird calls every where and mating of crickets in the balcony ..

Crickets remind me of my summer vacations in Alampur. As children we were familiar with the loud periodic noise coming from various wet corners of the house, either from bathroom or from under the earthen pot row which had wet sand under it. Ammamma used to bury ginger pods in the wet sand and it used to grow and be fresh. As an aside, my ammamma was a goddess and she could do any thing with any thing!! shhhhh 

I did not know the size of the insect and its Telugu name 'keechu raayi' sounded ominous like 'Keechaka' or 'pisachi' which were names of Rakshasas or scary ghosts.

I remember the surprise I felt when I saw how small an insect it was in comparison to the high volume of the sound it produced. It was vibrating its being to send it out. If at all I can do some thing like that then may be extra terrestrials can hear my call!

I came to know later that it is a mating call sent out to attract the female of the species. I wonder how we would have fared if patriarchy did not operate in our societies... how would our men be? What sounds or songs they would have perfected, what other skills might have come up... since blood and gore is something females intuitively do not appreciate, may be we would have had nimble men gyrating their hips in dance with colourful costumes and what not...

I for one would not mind a cacophony of colourful men preening and strutting their stuff for a change :) 

Spontaneous and deliberate

While working outside
the day was
pre lunch  and post lunch

Now in the  break
the day is
breakfast, lunch and dinner

Though time and timelessness
are simple yet profound concepts
human beings trivialise it with
a mundane structure

structureless means spontaneous
which is being timeless again
vocally structureless is a structure

spontaneous and structureless
is the goal
Goal defeats spontaneity
Nice fix it is 
 

Bhopal day 2: a glimpse

Today we went out for house hunting. I prepared for the day long auto rides in extreme heat by buying Zandu balm ( scent of amma), aloevera gel (a bit of akka), pulpy orange (a bit of chin) and a bottle full of cold water.

Scene 0:
We are in an auto and following the broker who is in a bike, we wait under a tree because broker had to go fetch the flat keys from some place, the auto guy starts a conversation with venky...

A guy: Aap kahaa ke hein bhaiyya?

Venky: hum Mysore ke hein (then says loudly as if talking to a person slow in hearing) AAP MYSORE JAANTHE HEIN?

Aguy: nods and then lekin ithna lamba transfer kyu liya aapne?

Venky: Ye transfer nahi hein, hum south India me kaam karke vahaaki experience liya hein tho soche ki kuch naya dekhe, isi liye Bhopal aagaye?

Aguy: tho aapki company ka branch kolne yaha aagaye hein kya?

Venky: Mein company mein nahi, ek sanstha mein kaam karthaa hun, hum gaav me kaam karthe hein

Aguy: Yahan ke gaav patha hein aapko?

Venky: Nahi abhi tho nahi, lekin patha hojaayega

Aguy: (changed the subject - because it was like dude whatever), tho makaan khareed rahe hein abhi?

venky: khareed nahi rahe hein, rent pe lena hein

Aguy: Mysore mein ghar khareeda hoga na?

Venky: Nahi vaha bhi nahi khareeda

Aguy: (Astonished) kya mathlab - aap ghar kahi bhi kareeda nahi hein? lekin kyun? ghar tho hona chaahiye

Venky: Nahi kahreeda - kya aap ke paas ghar hein?

Aguy: haanji bilkul, maine khareeda hein Bhopal mein,

then he tried to get at venky from another angle

A guy: aap ka shaadi hoke kitne saal hogaye?

Venky: 12 years

A guy: Mera bhi theek 12 years, bachche kithne hein?

Venky: Bachche nahi hein abhi

A guy: Abhi thak nahi hein?!!!

Venky: Haan ab soch rahe hein ( as if to please the auto guy!)

A guy: Mere do beten hein - dono padthe hein

Venky: achcha! ( as if they going to school is the seventh wonder)

A guy: haanji bilkul, dekho saab ghar chota bhi ho bada bhi ho, khareed lo

by then the broker came and we moved!

After watching bridges of Madison county

A woman sees a man,
he sees her
they start talking and talking
and talking,
they discover that their tastes are
some what similar and dissimilar

similarities relieve them
dissimilarities excite them
with a celebration of these
they start walking together

The child in each yearns for the child,
the childish excitement creates
many a mad moment,

The adult in each demands the adult
in the other to be responsive
in the carnal exploration
adulthood seems handy

years come and years go
similarities help in routine setting
dissimilarities lead to spoken or
unspoken conflicts

Talking turns to be around routines
Fighting around spoken and the unspoken
the inner child is silent and wants to sulk
imposing on itself a childish silence

Adult is consumed in inane things
of holding and running something
bigger than her and him put together
called life and life needs

one fine day,
a woman sees a man
he sees her,
they talk and talk and talk


How to hold on to this?

Geometry of life

A line, a circle, a square and a triangle,
decided to have a party,
Line tried to measure the length of all,
circle tried the circumference,
triangle tried the angles
and the square tried equality

It is not easy to measure or
measure up to others
but still we do it like
geometric figures!
Are we two dimensional?

To my gorgeous cousins

People keep talking about respecting each other in relationships. Though this is a key to all interpersonal relationships, I am focusing more here on man – woman relationship. I keep saying that I respect my partner and he respects me. What do I mean by this?

If as an adult I have to explain this to a youngster how would I do it?
This is to my young cousins who are just stepping into their twenties and are looking at the opposite sex in wondrous ways.

I think, respect is nothing but being aware of and accepting each others boundaries and borders. The ones that can be stretched, the ones that can be overcome and the ones which are non negotiable and stick. Awareness about these and being open and considerate about the other person is respect for me in a nutshell.

Just like we pass from kindergarten to graduation, there will be levels and nuances that we go on learning about the other. Otherwise respect would become a clichéd and revered laundry list of unshakable truths.

My dearest girls please know that when you have a person in your life who is ‘open’ and respects you for what you are, then know how you understand it and by knowing what.

Romance means what?

The other day I was tempted to take a "Is your marriage as honest as you think" quiz from a women's mag (I wonder why women's mags have these quizzes and mens mags have the toys that boys need to have to get noticed or how big is your bicep or what women think of their body odour ...)

Ok coming back to the quiz, the drift of the questions was,
1. Do you steal from your husbands purse?
2. Do you watch porn when he is not around?
3. Do you think he logs into your e mail account to spy on you?

and it gets better, for all these psychotic questions if your answer is a NO WAY, then the analysis is, " My dear, you are way too honest and candid in this relationship, you need not share so much with him try to loosen up!!!"

I was thinking about what is trust and honesty and what is 'way tooo honest'...

As a young wife 8 years ago, I remember the way romance was between me and the hub dub,
we were thrilled to share the same cupboard and felt happy looking at our clothes together (graon .. I know) and when I fell sick for the first time, my novice husband made maggie noodles because he thought I would like it. I liked it but he made it adding veggies for the next meal thinking I would really like it (Ya I know, but the thought is what counts right?) May be, that was our first fight!

I was away for a week because I was sick (went to mom - Lalitha's warm folds and heaps of freshly made good food). When I came back, the person who took ages to write a sentence, had written two poems and best still he read them out in the night under the moonlight!

Has romance faded over the years? this might be one of the question some body might ask right?...

for my last birthday I was wooed with music, DVDs in the car seat, under the pillow, inside my bag and what not.

He wakes up early invariably every day to make us tea (never expecting that I should do it once in a week at least)

He knows when to order pizza - on those overworked tiring nights

He watches all my girly flicks and never comments on them (some he really liked too!)

He loves my family, he respects people who are important to me and he connects with all spheres of my life.

The man who never cried in any circumstance, wept when my father passed away


His hugs are tight and his eyes are kind.... this is more than enough romance I need

Musings before Cape town travel

The day before I left for Cape Town:

It feels a bit strange, lot exciting and an underlying current of anxiety which is running through all I do right now.

I got warmth and care galore and quite unexpectedly from various quarters. I will list it putting the most unexpected on top,

1. Bala called to wish me luck for the journey and made a date for after I come back !!! ( he is a good friend who lost touch after he got married two years ago)
2. People in the office got together (sneaked and planned to be precise), announced a surprise gathering and gave me a lovely bouquet of roses (all colours!!) and gave me a sweet card which translates to ‘Go in comfort and come back safe, and let everything be good’. This coming from a team which I thought was alien to me a bit either because they feared me or they felt the power difference I don’t know was a fantastic surprise which got tears to my eyes. I cant forget the round of hugs (though groaning a bit inwardly thinking I might be smelling of smoke and caring!)
3. Madhavi organized a party behind my back and we had a lovely time drinking a can of beer and convincing each other that we are not at all anxious! She gave a serious card which stated how anxious and excited she is for me at the same time tried to lighten the mood by giving a ‘sisters are through thick and thin’ type of funny card. A party organized by a ‘almost’ non drinker is a great surprise indeed.
4. Hari Prasad sent a message in his sweet language – ‘Happy Bon Voyage’ and look forward to see you kane,
5. Chin said ‘I am already missing you’ when I was in the bus from Mysore to Bangalore
6. Mom said ‘ I know you are going to be safe because I know Hanumantha the God of wind is with you and I hope you make your country proud’
7. Venky ( the husband) shopped till we drop with me and I have not heard no from him for anything, ‘venky this is a nice dress but it is very expensive’ and he said ‘please go ahead and buy it, I insist you buy it because you need to have this for your trip’ .. this is the manthra for everything so far
8. Kavi went to my office and spent one and a half hours collecting my stuff, and made sure that I am well groomed and my luggage is well packed before I left. She is a warm soul.
God, at some point it feels like I am writing to acknowledge what everybody did before I get into the plane (where what all might happen or not happen)…
I might feel very silly reading this ‘emotional’ account in fifteen days from now (after I am firmly back in my home town Mysore and in my home with Venky dear). But, I feel like this right now, so let me out with it..

Perspectives... are they changeable like shirts..

I have often heard people say that 'some thing is some thing when seen in some perspective'....
I know this can become potentially boring rhetoric but recently I am caught in this dilemma. I gave my resignation letter. And of course I had my valid reasons from 'my perspective'. There is a process of renegotiation happening right now and things are put to me in a 'different perspective', so what happens to mine now? what happens to the management's? If there are no new perspectives emerging then this is a win lose situation. Do I want to do that? NO I wont.
So ultimately do we mean 'opinion' when we are saying 'perspective'? Opinion is subjective and demands the person to own it, perspective puts it in a broader and general universe, but ultimately what is it ...

How much is enough?

Dont we all know and agree to all these sayings?

1. Money does not buy happiness
2. You can never buy happiness with money
3. Money is the root of all evil
...........................................

So what are we being conditioned to?
Money is also one of the moral taboos. Let us switch the word money with sex and see...

1. Sex does not buy/give happiness
2. You can never buy/get happiness with sex
3. Sex is the root of all evil

.........................................
Now can we see all our parents nodding in agreement !!

This I am thinking, after being in the development sector for a little over than half a decade....
Why do I feel like giving an explanation for asking for a raise?

We the so called 'modern people' say sex is the most misunderstood thing and advocate sexuality workshops for all and sundry to really understand and express it. Yep our parents are not liking it but...

Why does money become a taboo?
You want it then you are a mercenary
If you dont want it , then you are not settled, you are idealistic and your head is in the cloud!

We were in Andhra in a community. Then we had the luxury of living in a place surrounded by hills and showered by stars in the night. Great community dinners around campfire were regular features of life. Each month, we bought stuff like Hurricane lanterns - 2 (1 for kitchen, 1 for living room), mosquito net (for warding off dropping scorpions and snakes) 1 powerful torch - for going and coming back from the common loo with life inside the body....

Our dream break was to go to a city and watch TV like crazy:-D
We were happy as happy can be!
Though we were paid pittance in comparison to cities, we were the highly paid couple according to the local norms !
It did not take away the fun having a leftist, beedi smoking, rebel for a bozz who forgot my name often in the presence of his wife!

What am I rambling about?

We definitely have moralistic views about money...
And I am trying to condition myself out of this view....

Home is where the tongue fits ….

We were in Anantapur District for almost two years. Memories of bright and harshly sunny days come immediately to my mind.

The other pictures are of people bubbling with wit and a song on their lips.

People taking pride in their stoicism with respect to harsh living conditions and CHILLIES chillies and more chillies. I remember Rebecca sharp from Thackeray’s Vanity Fair. She thinks chillies are something which really taste how they sound ‘chilling to the mouth’… and eats a handful and sees the stars!!

One needs to go through an unwritten and an untold secret ritual before really establishing themselves as friends. You are served a highly spicy dish and your reactions are observed. The amount of ease and discomfort is evaluated. Did you shed a pint of tears or had half a liter of water running out of your nose, or did you disappear behind the cloud of smoke coming out of your ears or were you unperturbed and asked for more reveals your status with them. The initial reactions involving various organs going on RED ALERT will bring on a smirk and you will be cast as this eternal softie who lacks the strength and vigour to survive and if you ask for more, you are immediately one of the gang and you will get back thumping welcome to the inner society. You get to hear choicest cuss words, incredible stories about people who vanished from this earth after attempting to take the test and all the torrid details of everything you might not want to know….

I am writing this obviously because I belong to the exclusive inner society. I can never forget the day when I went with one of the fellows to document a Hill watchers committee meeting on one of the hills near Roddam. It was unlike any other meeting I had attended so far. There were seven scrawny windblown wiry men in their mid thirties reviewing their monthly activities. How many kilometers each was covering, how many saplings each had to water, status of each sapling – alive, dead and reasons, along with the animals harming the plants in the night. Strategies for reduction of damage caused by animals, and protection of saplings were discussed along with the new activity in preparation for summer – Firebreaks to protect the greenery from accidental fires was discussed. After the meeting, we stayed back to enjoy the view and the fellow ‘chiller’ takes me to see an incredibly shady tree and pulls out a pot kept well hidden in the shades. It was full of tender toddy turning alcoholic by the minute…. We sat there enjoying the fragrant and smooth elixir. .. Feeling each drop of toddy uniting us with the universal spirit and enlightening us about the meaning of life…

Now that the secret is out, if at all you pass by this region, you know why you were treated the way you were treated…

CHILL out and BELONG